JOKES, POST THEM UP!

[Rocksteady]

The Beggar

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted $10 and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who has given up beer, gambling, golf, and women."

_________________
♫ Josh Awards=+12 -5 =7 ~HaM=3~ Ж=3 ~Zero_Fresh=3~Burgundian Award=1~JW=4 ~ ÿ =1~Sean=1~Dene=3 ~Putale Kudos=1~GMoney=4~Sally Grommit Award=1~Bunni & Badger=2 Gold Stars ♫

[Google]

[Rocksteady]

Four women were driving across the country. Each was from a different state: Idaho, Nebraska, Florida and New York. Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Idaho started pulling potatoes from her bag and throwing them out of the window.

"What the heck are you doing?" demanded the Nebraskan.

"We have so many of these darn things in Idaho, I'm just sick of looking at them!" said the lady from Idaho.

A moment later, the gal from Nebraska began pulling ears of corn from her bag and tossing them from the window.

"What are you doing that for?" asked the gal from Florida.

"We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I'm just sick of looking at them!" said the
Nebraska gal.

Inspired, the gal from Florida opened the car door and pushed the New Yorker out.
_________________
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[Rocksteady]

I can't remember if I posted this one before, if so please forgive:..

You're An EXTREME Redneck When ....

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, y'all, watch this."

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines!"

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.


_________________
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[Rocksteady]

Who Says That Cops Don't Have a Sense of Humor?

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."

"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."

"Just how big were those two beers?"

"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

"You didn't think we give tickets to pretty women? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

_________________
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[Ham_fisT]

dead links....these are great

http://www.coxar.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/
http://www.digitalsawdust.com/
http://www.somethingawful.com/nointelligence/
_________________
Yeah....... ok

[Rocksteady]

ROTFL Ham,,, ...The second one is too good...
_________________
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[Zero_Fresh]

ONCE AGAIN, SOME OF THESE MAY BE OFFENSIVE OR IN APPROPIATE FOR CHILDREN!!

That being said, enjoy!





Q.) What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, and
Blowjob?
A.) Blowjob: You can beat your meat, beat your eggs, beat your wife, but nothing beats a blowjob.


Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A.) So men can be open minded.


(Q.) What's the speed limit of sex?
A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.


Q.) What does a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.


Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
( A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!


( Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego...
(A.) "Is it in?"


( Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury DoughBoy?
( A.) A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.


(Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
( A.) One of his fingers is clean.


(Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
(A.) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.


( Q.) What do bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
( A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks,
you're screwed.
_________________
"....Or as almost every word in a sentence; Tweak the tweaking tweakers!"

Josh Awards = 2

[2young2care]

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
_________________
ÿ (0255)　愛

∫ [1/cabin] dcabin = ln cabin + C = houseboat

Je suis trop jeun de m'inquiéter.

[Xal]

ROTFLMAO, nice one 2y
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[Rocksteady]

Uhhhhh, ok.. Here's one:

Gentle Southern Lady

A very gentle Southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge in Georgia when she noticed a young man apparently preparing to jump off the bridge. She stopped her car and yelled. "Please don't jump. Think of your dear mother and father."

The young man replied, "My Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."

She said, "Well, think of your wife and children."

He replied, "I'm not married, and I don't have any kids."

She said, "Well, think of Robert E. Lee."

He replied, ''Who's Robert E. Lee?''

She replied, ''Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump, you dumb-ass Yankee!"
_________________
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[Rocksteady]

My apologies for this one, but it's funny:

RECTUM STRETCHER

While she was "flying" down the road (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, and get my whole hand in. Then I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a'hole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs. $45.00
The Look on Cop's Face............ PRICELESS
_________________
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[Rocksteady]

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.

He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locke r in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.
_________________
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[Rocksteady]

Again, my apologies, guys!...

Because I'm A Man.......

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I will win, even if it may mean destroying the door
or window in the process.
________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be
able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't even know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beverages and curse at the machine as a form of holy communion.
_________________________________________

Because I'm a man , when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this should be no
problem.
__________________________________________

Because I'm a man , I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "paprika" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man , when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it
back together.
___________________________________________________

Because I'm a man , I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.....though one time I was able to survive
by holding a calculator.....(applies to engineers mainly).
_______________________________________________________

Because I'm a man , there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex, or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man , I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day
is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man , you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't....and if you are feeling amorous afterwards.....then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man , I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2006, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.............. like wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to do.
_________________
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[Rocksteady]

Su Song marries Lee Wong.

The next year the Wongs have a baby, a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely caucasian white baby boy.

"Congratulations," says the nurse to Mr. and Mrs. Wong. "What are you going to name your baby?"

The puzzled Mr. Wong looks at the baby and says, "Well, two Wongs don't make a white, so I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong."

_________________
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[[KoG]^mamabunni9904]

A man was in a long line at the supermarket. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him
and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Register 5."

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most men, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5."

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms.She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said...







"Cleanup, Register 5"

[Rocksteady]

OMG, that was awful Bunny!



(I mean awful funny! )
_________________
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[Xal]

LOL, looks like our favorite thread has resurfaced RS
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[Rocksteady]

Ha ha, Xal,, I'm amazed it did, after that last Zinger from Zero, I think we were all shocked into silence for a while!


And now it looks like we've corrupted Bunny too!..
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[Xal]

looks that way

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half, but accidentally sends her the bottom half of the picture.He is really worried when he realizes that he has sent the wrong half. But then he remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice.A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says:
"Thank you for the picture. You should change your hair style... it makes your nose look too short."
_________________
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[Rocksteady]

All right you guys,,, let's clean things up a bit, shall we?

I'll start, here's a photo of Me in the Shower:


Scroll down, I'm kinda shy...






















_________________
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[[KoG]^mamabunni9904]

Thats a good one.

[Rocksteady]

This one is funny:



_________________
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[[KoG]^mamabunni9904]

SORRY IF THESE HAVE BEEN POSTED BEFORE


#1
A Biker walks into a bar, he takes a seat at the bar and growls:
"Bartender! Get me a drink!" The bartender obliges, and the biker scarfs down the drink. Slamming the glass down on the bar, he growls:

"Bartender! Get me another!" The bartender pours him another drink. After a few more rounds, the bartender attempts some conversation:

"Sir, he says, it seems that you're visibly upset. What's the problem?" The biker looks at him and snorts:

"I just went home and caught my ol' lady screwing my best friend!"

"Oh man," says the bartender, that's rough... "What did you do?" The biker says:

"Well, I grabbed her by the hair, threw her out nekkid, threw her clothes out after her, and told her never EVER to come back."

"Wow," says the bartender in awe: "That's tough man, what did you do to your friend?"

"Well," says the biker, "I marched right back upstairs, I grabbed HIM by the scruff of the neck, and I said: BAD DOG."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
#2
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night
and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a
big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and
the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family
pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents
house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm
so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly
offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your
father was a pharmacist."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
#3
4 High School friends meet at their High School Reuion. Then the fourth Highschool dude goes to bathroom and the others start to talk about their sons...

Highschool Dude 1: You know my son? I'm so proud of him 'cause he was so successful. He became so rich that he gave one of his best friends a 2-million dollar Mansion for free!

Highschool Dude 2: Really? My son's made me proud to. He's became so rich from acting and gave his closest friend 2 free Hummer H2's.

Highschool Dude 3: Even my son got rich to. He won the 8 million-dollar Lotto and he bought his friend a private yatch and plane.

>>The fourth Highschool Dude comes back from the bathroom and overhears them talking about their sons. So he began to tell them about his son.

Highschool Dude 4: Yeah, well, my son hasn't been as successful like your sons have. He's gay and works at a gay stripping joint for a living.

Highschool Dude 1: What a shame.

Highschool Dude 4: No, not really. He lives in a 2-million dollar mansion, owns his own jet and yatch, and owns 2 Hummer H2's which were all given to him by 3 of his Ex-boyfriends

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
#4
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal,
Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's
roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a
relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her
more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two
react, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and
Stephanie than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian
volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you
Stephanie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver
gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well,
I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.

So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mom:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm
not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains
that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, I'm not saying that
you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if
Stephanie is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy
ladle by now.
Love, Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY ... NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER[/b]

[Xal]

ROTFLMAO

I love the never lie to your mom one

so true
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[Zero_Fresh]

HAHAHA!! all good ones!!! I especially like the pharmacist and ladle ones.

Ok, I have revamped the wording of the next one in attempts to not offend anyone.


Q) Why are ghetto-born children such good dancers?

A) They spent the first nine months of life dodging a coat hanger.
_________________
"....Or as almost every word in a sentence; Tweak the tweaking tweakers!"

Josh Awards = 2