JOKES, POST THEM UP!

[Josh]

LMAO....good answer.....JW, F +!
_________________
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(-)

[Google]

[Rocksteady]

Here's a deep one:...

The Last Payment

Today is my daughter's 18th birthday....... and I'm so glad that this is my last child support payment. Month after month, year after year! Those payments! Ugh!

So I called my daughter, Kareesha, and asked her to come over to my house. When she arrived I said to her, "Baby girl, I want you to take this last check over to your mother's house and tell her that this is the last check she's ever going to get from me. Then I want you to come back and tell me what she said and what was the expression on her face."

So my baby girl took the check to her mother. I was really anxious to hear what her mother had to say and what she looked like. As my baby girl walked through the door, I said, "Now, what did you mother say?"

"She told me to tell you that you ain't my daddy . . . and to watch the expression on your face."....
_________________
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[Xal]

LMFAOROTFGFA thats just classic
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[Rocksteady]

Exam for athletes...
The following is a college entrance exam for athletes.

Time Limit: 3 Days.

Write Your Name: ________________________________________
(20 point bonus if spelled correctly).

1. What language is spoken in Germany?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions - OR - Give the FIRST name of Michael Jordan.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to

____ (a) build a bridge
____ (b) lead an army or
____ (c) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
____ (a) Jewish
____ (b) Catholic
____ (c) Hindu
____ (d) Polish

5. Advanced Math: How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 12?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America's far NORTH called?
____ (a) Westerners
____ (b) Southerners
____ (c) NORTHerners

9. Spell the name of the current President of the US. (George Bush)
_______________________________

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth.
Name the previous five.

11. Where does rain come from?
____ (a) Wall Mart
____ (b) Kmart
____ (c) Canada
____ (d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
____ (a) yes
____ (b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for which country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in Capital Letters.

16. Where is the basement in a four story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
____ (a) Minnnesota
____ (b) Florida
____ (c) Canada
____ (d) Wisconsin

18. More advanced math. If you have three pears, how many pears do you have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
____ (a) B.C
____ (b) A.D.
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[Rocksteady]

10 signs You are an Internet Geek:

10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.
9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"

8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.

7. You're amazed to find out spam is a food.

6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.

5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.

4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications".

3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server".

2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so colon-right parentheses!"

And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:

1. Two Words: "Pizza's Here!"
_________________
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[Rocksteady]

There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.
He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day, the kids show up and they saw the sign which read: "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."
When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons are missing, but the sign next to his read:

"Warning! TWO of the watermelons in this field have been injected with cyanide!"...
_________________
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[Xal]

Guy says to girl

"wanna go back to my place and have wild sex and eat pizza?"

Girl says NO

Guy says

"what you don't like pizza?"
_________________
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[Silicon Skum]

**Molecules with Silly or Unusual Names**

These are all REAL names of molecules in science, This is a fairly long post, sorry.

Arsole
Yes, believe it or not, there is actually a molecule called Arsole... and it's a ring! "Studies on the Chemistry of the Arsoles", G. Markl and H. Hauptmann, J. Organomet. Chem., 248 (1983) 269. Contrary to popular belief, however, the arsoles are not aromatic...

Bastardane
This is actually a close relative of adamantane, and its proper name is ethano-bridged noradamantane. However because it had the unusual ethano bridge, and was therefore a variation from the standard types of structure found in the field of hydrocarbon cage rearrangements, it came to be known as bastardane - the "unwanted child".

Megaphone
Despite having a ridiculous name, the molecule is quite ordinary. It gets its name from being both a constituent of Aniba Megaphylla roots and a ketone.

Munchnones
No, these aren't the favourite compound of the Munchkins from The Wizard of Oz, but are in fact a type of mesoionic compound. These are ring structures in which the positive and negative charge are delocalised, and which cannot be represented satisfactorily by any one polar structure. They got their name when Huisgen called them after the city Munich (München), after similar compounds were called sydnones after Sydney.

Unununium
I know this is technically an element, not a molecule, but it had such a ridiculous name I thought I'd include it. This is actually element number 111, and was called by the IUPAC temporary systematic name of unununium before it was recently been renamed roentgenium. This is a pity, because if it formed ring or cage structures previously we might have ended up with unununium onions...

Cummingtonite
This mineral must have the silliest name of them all. Its official name is magnesium iron silicate hydroxide, and it has the formula (Mg,Fe)7Si8O22(OH)2. It got its name from the locality where it was first found, Cummington, Massachusetts, USA.

Dickite
Dickite, Al2Si2O5(OH)4, is a (kaolin) clay-like mineral which exhibits mica-like layers with silicate sheets of 6-membered rings bonded to aluminium oxide/hydroxide layers. Dickite is used in ceramics, as paint filler, rubber, plastics and glossy paper. It got its name from the geologist that discovered it around the 1890s, Dr. W. Thomas Dick, of Lanarkshire, Scotland.

Moronic Acid
This is a triterpenoid organic acid that is found in Pistacia resin, and is therefore of interest to people studying archaeological relics, shipwrecks and the contents of ancient Egyptian jars. But why it's called moronic acid is still unknown... Derivatives of this are called moronates, as in 'which moron-ate the contents of this jar?'

Curious Chloride and Titanic Chloride
The trivial name for some curium compounds can be either curous or 'curious', so curium trichloride becomes curious chloride. However the only curious property it has is that it's sufficiently radioactive that a solution, if concentrated enough, will boil spontaneously after a while. (I wonder if a molecule with 2 Cm atoms in would be 'bi-curious'...?)
In a similar way, titanium compounds can be 'titanic', so we get the wonderfully named titanic chloride, TiCl4. It's also interesting to know that in the titanium industry, TiCl4 is known as 'tickle'. Furthermore, curium oxides are called 'curates', so the titanium compound would be Titanic Curate...
In a similar way, some nickel compounds can be referred to as 'nickelous' - so we get compounds like Nickelous Sulfate (a nice guy by all accounts...)

Fukalite
This wonderfully named mineral gets its name from the Fuka mine in the Fuka region of southern Japan. It is very rare, and is a form of calcium silico-carbonate, with formula Ca4Si2O6(CO3)(OH,F) 2.

Traumatic Acid
This is a plant hormone which causes injured cells to divide and help repair the trauma - hence its name, and its synonym 'wound hormone'.

Fucitol
Although this sounds like what an undergraduate chemist might exclaim when their synthesis goes wrong, it's actually an alcohol, whose other names are L-fuc-ol or 1-deoxy-D-galactitol. It gets its wonderful trivial name from the fact that it is derived from the sugar fucose, which comes from a seaweed found in the North Atlantic called Bladderwrack whose latin name is Fucus vesiculosis. Interestingly, there are a few articles in the Journal of Biochemistry throughout 1997 concerning a kinase enzyme which acts on fucose. The creators of these articles were Japanese, and seemed to have missed the fact that fucose kinase should not be abbreviated as 'fuc-K'

Erotic Acid
No, this isn't the world's best aphrodisiac. Its correct name is orotic acid, but it has been misspelt so often in the chemical literature that it is also known as erotic acid! Another name for it is vitamin B13. Apparently, if you add another carbon to it, it becomes homo-erotic acid...

Kinoshitalite
Although it sounds like the trade name of a laxative, this is a type of mica found in Japan and Sweden, and has the formula (Ba,K)(Mg,Mn)3Si2Al2O10(OH) 2. It is green and vitreous, and is about as hard as fingernails, apparently. Its name comes from the Japanese for "under the tree" (ki = tree; no = possessive particle; shita = under).

Bastadin-5
This is just one of a number of bastadins, which are molecules isolated from the marine sponge Ianthella basta. They possess antibacterial, cytotoxic and anti-inflammatory properties.

Skatole
This molecule's name comes from 'skatalogical', meaning concerning fecal material. Its proper name is 3-methylindole, but it gets its trivial name from the fact that it is a component of feces. Surprisingly, it is also found in coal tar and beetroot (!), and can be obtained synthetically by mixing egg albumin and KOH. As you might guess, skatole consists of white to brownish scales which are soluble in hot water.

Arsenolite
This is a naturally occurring mineral, whose correct name is cubic arsenic trioxide (As2O3). It is also the primary product whenever arsenic ores are smelted, and is used in industry as a glass decolourising agent. Another related mineral with a similar silly name is arsenolamprite, which is a native form of arsenic.

Lucifer yellow
I think Lucifer Yellow is a food colouring used especially in hot sauces, like salsa pickle. It is also used in plant microscopy anatomy studies, because it fluoresces under ultraviolet light and stains certain regions between plant cells.

Crapinon
Crapinon (also known as Sanzen) is another molecule with an excellent name, and is apparently used therapeutically as an anticholinergic. These are drugs which dry secretions, increase heart rate, and decrease lung constriction. More importantly, they also constipate quite strongly - so 'crappy-non' is most appropriate. It would be nice to think that this molecule could find an alternative use as a toilet cleaner (as in "Who's been crapinon the seat?").

Sparassol
This molecule sounds like what you'd need the day after eating a very hot curry (spare-assol). Sparassol is an antibiotic produced by the fungus Sparassis ramosa.

Periodic Acid
Ok, I know it should really be per-iodic acid, but without the hyphen it sounds like it only works some of the time...It has also been described as that acid extracted by boiling of old periodic tables found in chemistry lecture halls and laboratories.

Phthalic Acid
This molecule is often pronounced with a silent 'th' for comic effect. I wonder if phthalyl side-groups have a shorthand symbol in chemical structures, in the same way that phenyl groups are shortened to -Ph? If so, would it be a 'phthalic symbol'...?
Again, adding an extra carbon makes homo-phthalic acid - say no more...

Psicose
This molecule has nothing to do with axe-murderers, but is a sugar which gets its name because it's isolated from the antibiotic psicofurania. Its other name is ribo-hexulose.

Commic Acid
This molecule's always good for a laugh! It gets its 'commical' name since it's a constituent of the plant Commiphora pyracanthoides, one of the Myrrh trees. When reduced to the aldehyde, I presume the product would be named commical?

Fukugetin
This chemical with a most amusing name is also called Morellofavone, and is a constituent of the bark of the Garcenia species of tree. Its glucoside goes by the equally wonderful name of Fukugiside.

Pubescine
Also known as Reserpinine. I don't know much about pubescine, but I bet it forms short, curly crystals...

Spamol
Monty Python's favourite molecule? Spamol might also conjure images of unwanted "Make Money Fast" emails circulating the globe at the speed of light ("spam - all"). Its other names are aminopromazine, lispamol or lorusil, and it's actually used as an anti-spasmodic therapeutic agent.

Windowpane
Windowpane C9H12 gets its name from its resemblance to a set of windows, but unfortunately it has never been synthesised. But the version with a corner carbon missing C8H12 has been made, and goes by the name 'broken windowpane', or more accurately fenestrane. Interestingly, a hypothetical derivative of Windowpane has been suggested which includes a double bond, and this would of course be called Windowlene...

Luciferase
This molecule is an enzyme which reacts with ATP to cleave luciferin, its substrate. This cleavage reaction causes the firey glow in fireflies and certain types of fish, hence its name.

Diabolic Acid
Diabolic acids are actually a class of compounds where the m and n chains can have different lengths and can contain unsaturation. They were named after the Greek diabollo, meaning to mislead, since they were particularly difficult to isolate using standard gas chromatography techniques. One of the inventors, Prof Klein, also thought that they had 'horns like the devil'.

Uranate
The various uranium oxide anions (UO22-, UO32-, UO42-, etc) go by the glorious name of 'uranates'. I wonder if unwanted reactions of these ions with certain compounds is called 'involuntary uranation'...? And is nickel uranate what you'd need to 'spend a penny'?
Related to this, uranium nitrate is also known as uranyl nitrate, which sounds like the entry fee for a gents toilet after 8pm...

Kunzite (Spodumene) {'Z' pronounced like in "pizza"}
This mineral is a pink (of course...) gemstone, named after the gemologist G.F. Kunz who described it in 1902. Kunzite is a fragile stone, which shows different shades of colour when viewed from different directions. Called an "evening" stone, it should not be exposed to direct sunlight which can fade its color in time. Its alternative name, Spodumene, sounds like an American shop that sells computer nerds ("Spod-U-Mean")

Welshite
This wonderfully named mineral is called after the US amateur mineralogist Wilfred R. Welsh. Its formula is Ca2SbMg4FeBe2Si4O20. Some people think it's quite a nice mineral, but others think it's 'well-shite'.

Clitoriacetal
This gets its name from the root of the Clitoria macrophylla plant, and is a constituent of the Thai drug "Nan-tai-yak".

Vaginatin
I know you can get most things nowadays in a tin, but this is getting silly... Actually it gets its name from the plant Selinum Vaginatum. The related molecule is Vaginol, which also goes by the name Archangelicin.

Anol
Anol is a synonym for 4-(1-propenyl)phenol, and it is apparently used in the flavour industry. Are compounds that bond strongly to this molecule called 'anolly retentive'?

Antipain
Antipain is a protease inhibitor, which means it prevents proteins from being degraded. Despite its promising name, it is a very toxic compound, and it causes severe itch or pain (!) when contacted with the skin.

Fornacite
This is a mineral that is composed of a basic chromate-arsenate compound of Pb and Cu with the formula: (Pb,Cu2+)3[(Cr,As)O4]2(OH). If it could be polished into a gemstone, it sounds ideal for a ring that a cheating husband might buy his mistress.

Butanal
This molecule sounds better if it's hyphenated (but-anal), but it is actually quite a common aldehyde.

Angelic Acid
Angelic acid isn't very angelic at all - it's a defence substance for certain beetles. It gets its name from the Swedish plant Garden Angelica (Archangelica officinalis) from whose roots it was first obtained in the 1840s. Its proper name is (Z)-2-methyl-2-butenoic acid. The other isomer (E) goes by the equally silly name of tiglic acid (from the plant Croton tiglium, the source of croton oil) and is also a beetle defence substance.

Clitorin
I don't know much about clitorin, except that it's a flavenol glycoside (make of that what you will), but I've heard it's touch sensitive.

Constipatic Acid
This is a constituent of some Australian lichens, but I don't know how it got its name. Derivatives of this are protoconstipatic acid, dehydroconstipatic acid, and methyl constipatate.

Fucol
This sugar sounds like it doesn't do very much! Actually the L-Fucol form is obtained from the eggs of sea urchins, frog spawn and milk. The L-fucol form also goes by the name of rhodeose.

DEAD
DEAD is actually the acronym for diethyl azodicarboxylate, which is an important reagent in the well-known Mitsunobu reaction which performs a stereospecific conversion of an alcohol to a primary amine. It's quite a good acronym, as DEAD is an orange liquid that's explosive, shock sensitive, light sensitive, toxic, a possible carcinogen or mutagen, and an eye, skin and respiratory irritant! A version of diethyl azodicarboxylate mixed with acid and triphenylphosphine has also been termed DEADCAT.

Apatite
A mineral for hungry people? Apatite is a phosphate mineral with the composition Ca5[PO4]3(OH,F,Cl). It has been used extensively as a phosphorus fertilizer and is still mined for that purpose today.

Furfuryl Furfurate
A ridiculously-named molecule, about which I know virtually nothing, although I'm told it's quite smelly and may be used as a vapour phase polymerisation inhibitor. It got its name from the Latin "furfur", meaning "bran" (the source of the compound). A related molecule, furfural alcohol is apparently used in the fabrication process of the Reinforced Carbon-Carbon (RCC) sections used in the space shuttle.

Draculin
Draculin is the anticoagulant factor in vampire bat saliva. It is a large glycoprotein made from a sequence of 411 amino acids.

There are more odd names out there, but these are the most funny.

§
_________________
my sig disappeared from the image host (?)
But at least I have a Josh Award!

[Ham_fisT]

Fucitol

Sounds like a perscription medicine for the treatment of severe anxiety

...Take two Fucitol, and call me in the morning
_________________
Yeah....... ok

[Rocksteady]

There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field. She was in a boat rowing, with no water in sight. The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, “What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!”
_________________
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[Rocksteady]

A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer. '-I know,-' he says, 'they say 'you can't take it with you.' But who knows? Suppose they're mistaken. I'd like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it's useful, I'll have something.' They each agree to carry out his wish. Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin. After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, '-Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven't be able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friend's money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked.-'

At this the priest says, '-I, too have a confession to make. As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as our friend requested.-'

Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says '-I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars.
_________________
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[Rocksteady]

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
_________________
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[Rocksteady]

1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

4. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

5. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

6. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

7. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

8. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

9. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'" "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" Doc says, "It's Not Unusual."

10. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

11. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "Why!? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

14. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

15 . I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

16 . What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17 . Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"



A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. She said to him, "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look. What's your secret for a long happy life?"

He answered, "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day and I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"Wow, that's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?"

"Twenty-six," he said.
_________________
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[Rocksteady]

(Please don't hate me for this one!... )

A man's car broke down as he was driving past a beautiful old monastery.
He walked up the drive and knocked on the front door. A monk answered,
listened to the man's story and graciously invited him to spend the night.

The monks fed the man and led him to a tiny chamber in which to sleep.
The man thanked the monks and slept serenely until he was awakened
by a strange and beautiful sound.

The next morning, as the monks were repairing his car, he asked about the
sound that had woke him.

"We're sorry," the monks said. "We can't tell you about the sound.
You're not a monk."

The man was disappointed, but eager to be gone, so he thanked the
monks for their kindness and went on his way. During quiet moments afterward,
the man pondered the source of the alluring sound. Several years later the man
happened to be driving in the same area. He stopped at the monastery on a whim
and asked admittance. He explained to the monks that he had so enjoyed his
previous stay, he wondered if he might be permitted to spend another night
under their peaceful roof. The monks agreed, and so the man stayed with
them again.

Late that night, he heard the strange beautiful sound. The following morning
he begged the monks to explain the sound. The monks gave him the same
answer as before.

"We're sorry. We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk."

By now the man's curiosity had turned to obsession. He decided to give up
everything and become a monk, for that was the only way he could learn
about the sound. He informed the monks of his decision and began the
long and arduous task of becoming a monk. Seventeen years later, the
man was finally established as a true member of the order.

When the celebration ended, he humbly went to the leader of the order
and asked to be told the source of the sound.

Silently, the old monk led the new monk to a huge wooden door.
He opened the door with a golden key. That door swung open to reveal
a second door of silver, then a third of gold and so on until they had
passed through twelve doors, each more magnificent than the last.
The new monk's face was awash with tears of joy as he finally beheld
the wondrous source of the beautiful mysterious sound he had heard
so many years before..........
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
But, I can't tell you what it was. You're not a monk.
_________________
♫ Josh Awards=+12 -5 =7 ~HaM=3~ Ж=3 ~Zero_Fresh=3~Burgundian Award=1~JW=4 ~ ÿ =1~Sean=1~Dene=3 ~Putale Kudos=1~GMoney=4~Sally Grommit Award=1~Bunni & Badger=2 Gold Stars ♫

[Rocksteady]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car

and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through

her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it

look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it

to the policewoman.

"Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,

"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

_________________
♫ Josh Awards=+12 -5 =7 ~HaM=3~ Ж=3 ~Zero_Fresh=3~Burgundian Award=1~JW=4 ~ ÿ =1~Sean=1~Dene=3 ~Putale Kudos=1~GMoney=4~Sally Grommit Award=1~Bunni & Badger=2 Gold Stars ♫

[Xal]

Insults

You have the most valuable brain in the whole world

cuz its never been used


You're so poor you dream in monochrome.


You are so ugly you mother tried to train you to walk backwards on your hands.


You are so fat that when you were at school you sat next to everyone in class.


If you ever had an idea it would die of loneliness


Where is the universes strongest vaccum located?

between your ears.






No offence was meant to anyone by these, they are meant to be funny.......
don't hurt me....
_________________
Phenom II x4 955 @ Stock
Asus M3N78-EM
4gb Corsair XMS2 DDR2 667 @ 800
1gb Powercolor Radeon HD 5850 @ Stock
X-fi Extreme Audio PCI E
Nexus 600W Silent PSU
Nexus Fans
Custom case

[dene]

*punches xal* ohhh you said not to hurt you Sorry
Sweet comebacks man
_________________
Josh Awards-3 ~ Josh Twinky-1~ Rocksteady-4 ~ HaM-1 ~ Money Money-1 ~ ж award-1~ Daffy-1

[Xal]

*ouch* *punches dene on the shoulder* hehe hehe hehe hehehehehe
_________________
Phenom II x4 955 @ Stock
Asus M3N78-EM
4gb Corsair XMS2 DDR2 667 @ 800
1gb Powercolor Radeon HD 5850 @ Stock
X-fi Extreme Audio PCI E
Nexus 600W Silent PSU
Nexus Fans
Custom case

[Rocksteady]

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her
girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy
middle-aged man entered.

He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The
young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her
(as all men will).


Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned
over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no
matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one condition." (There are always conditions)


Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied,
"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." (controlling, huh?)


The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed
a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her
address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully
said....



(scroll down)









"Clean my house."
_________________
♫ Josh Awards=+12 -5 =7 ~HaM=3~ Ж=3 ~Zero_Fresh=3~Burgundian Award=1~JW=4 ~ ÿ =1~Sean=1~Dene=3 ~Putale Kudos=1~GMoney=4~Sally Grommit Award=1~Bunni & Badger=2 Gold Stars ♫

[Rocksteady]

This is a story about four people: Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry with that, because it was Everybody's job.

Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody would have done.

_________________
♫ Josh Awards=+12 -5 =7 ~HaM=3~ Ж=3 ~Zero_Fresh=3~Burgundian Award=1~JW=4 ~ ÿ =1~Sean=1~Dene=3 ~Putale Kudos=1~GMoney=4~Sally Grommit Award=1~Bunni & Badger=2 Gold Stars ♫

[Rocksteady]

http://www.frontiernet.net/~cdm/age1.html

Put your birth date in the pop up window after you click on the link. What happens is pretty interesting. It's also amazing how quickly it computes!...
_________________
♫ Josh Awards=+12 -5 =7 ~HaM=3~ Ж=3 ~Zero_Fresh=3~Burgundian Award=1~JW=4 ~ ÿ =1~Sean=1~Dene=3 ~Putale Kudos=1~GMoney=4~Sally Grommit Award=1~Bunni & Badger=2 Gold Stars ♫

[Rocksteady]

Lost in Wal-Mart

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.

The first old guy says to the second old guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second guy says, "I'm looking for my wife, too, and I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

"What does she look like?" the first guy asks.

The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall with red hair, blue eyes, well-built, long legs, wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"

The first old guy says, "Never mind; let's look for yours."
_________________
♫ Josh Awards=+12 -5 =7 ~HaM=3~ Ж=3 ~Zero_Fresh=3~Burgundian Award=1~JW=4 ~ ÿ =1~Sean=1~Dene=3 ~Putale Kudos=1~GMoney=4~Sally Grommit Award=1~Bunni & Badger=2 Gold Stars ♫

[Rocksteady]

I need a favor !!
My neighbor has a puppy he's giving away (FREE!).
It's a Dachshund, it's house broken,
and it's great with kids.

He's giving it away because his wife
says the dog 'stares' at her, and
that gives her the 'Heebie Jeebies'.

If you're interested, or know someone who is, let me know..
Here's a picture of the dog.





(no, I didn't photoshop this one, lol)
_________________
♫ Josh Awards=+12 -5 =7 ~HaM=3~ Ж=3 ~Zero_Fresh=3~Burgundian Award=1~JW=4 ~ ÿ =1~Sean=1~Dene=3 ~Putale Kudos=1~GMoney=4~Sally Grommit Award=1~Bunni & Badger=2 Gold Stars ♫

[Rocksteady]

Brain Cramps

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

``````````````````````````````````
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey

````````````
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.

`````````````````````````````````````````````````
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

`````````````````````````````````````````````
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

`````````````````````````````
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A democratic congressional candidate in Texas.

```````````````````````````
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

``````````````````````````````````
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President (DUH)

`````````````````
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle

``````````
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"--Lee Iacocca

```````````
"The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

````````````````````````````````````````````
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

`````````````````````````````````
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President

``````````````````
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP (man he's smart)

````````````````
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery

``````````````````````
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

````````````````````````````````````````````
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

````````````````````````
Feeling smarter yet?
_________________
♫ Josh Awards=+12 -5 =7 ~HaM=3~ Ж=3 ~Zero_Fresh=3~Burgundian Award=1~JW=4 ~ ÿ =1~Sean=1~Dene=3 ~Putale Kudos=1~GMoney=4~Sally Grommit Award=1~Bunni & Badger=2 Gold Stars ♫

[Xal]