JOKES, POST THEM UP!

Ham_fisT · Posted: Wed Jun 30, 2004 6:33 am Post subject:

LMAO...

no shortage of readin' material here! :^)
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Josh · Posted: Wed Jun 30, 2004 7:40 am Post subject:

hehe, heres another one:

There was an Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman all out on a trek. After a while they found themselves confronted by a large group of red indians and they were then taken hostage. They were taken back to the camp and the chief of the red indians said that they must complete a task, and if not, they would be killed. So the Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman asked "What is it?". The chief replied gather as much fruit as you can and bring it back here. The Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman couldnt believe their luck, they couldnt fail, so they all went off to gather the fruit. The Englishman returned with 20 cherries first and said..."well im done, can i go now?". The chief replied "No, there is one more thing you must do stay alive, you must put all the fruit you gathered up your arse without making a sound or laughing, if you dont make a sound...you are free to go. The Englishmen started doing it, the first 15 were easy as they were so small, and even though it was difficult towards the end, he manged to do it without making a sound. He was so pleased, he could leave now, but he decided to wait for his friends. The scotsman returned with 10 pears and was told to do the same thing..but on the 4th pear he laughed, so the red indians killed him and sat there waiting for the irishman. They saw him thru the bushes, and without thinking about it, the englishman burst out laughing and was killed by the red indians for making a sound.

When the Englishman reached heaven he came accross the scotsman and was asked, "why are you here, you managed to do them all without making a sound?". The Englishman repled, "I know, but the irishman turned up with a pineapple!"

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[KoG]^weaZel · Posted: Wed Jun 30, 2004 11:32 am Post subject:

WARNING! The following may be offensive to some readers so read at your own risk!

Whats the difference between a woman at church and a woman in the bathtub?
The woman at church has hope in her soul.

Whats the difference between an epileptic corn husker and a prostitute with diarrhea?
The corn husker has shucking fits.

How is a folding chair and a whore the same?
without their legs spread they are worthless.

Why dont you have to buy your wife a watch to tell time?
There is a clock built into the stove.

Why is the bride smiling as she walks down the isle?
because she knows she has given her last blowjob.
Why is the groom smiling as he watches her walk do the isle?
He doesnt know that yet.

whats the definition of a wife?
*********punchline deleted, to graphic for this forum**********
PM me to get the punchline

Three men get captured in old mexico, one from America, one from Japan and one from Poland. And they are going to be put to death in front of a firing squad. The American is first and they ask him if he has any last words. He point behind the men with the guns and yells "TORNADO!" They turn around and he runs away. The Japanese guy is next. He is asked the same question. Hto points and he yells "TSUNAMI" and they again turn to look and he runs away. The Pole was next. They ask him if he has any last words. He too points and screams out, "FIRE"
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[KoG]^weaZel · Posted: Wed Jun 30, 2004 12:20 pm Post subject:

Ok this guy walks into a car rental agency.
Rental Agent: Hi how may I help you?
Customer: Well I just flew in from Oregon and I need a rental car for a day or two. But there is a problem, I dont have my drivers license. But I have credit cards.
Rental Agent: What happened with your license?
Customer: Some dumb b*st*rd at the airport lost it. But I do have a passport.
Rental Agent: Sir I am sorry but with out a drivers license I cant legally rent you a car.
Customer: Aww come on isnt there something you can do? I pay you a little extra on the side, I can make it worth your while.
Rental Agent: Sir all of this is being taped both video and audio. So what you are asking me to do is illegally rent you a vehicle...........
at this point the customer was leaving the office rather quickly!

Some people are either just stupid or they think that no one is honest anymore.[/u][/code]
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n3ksus · TweakNOOB Joined: 16 Oct 2003 Posts: 156

wow that was a stupid joke

Riffz · Posted: Wed Jun 30, 2004 2:39 pm Post subject:

Haha, excellent stuff

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[KoG]^weaZel · Posted: Wed Jun 30, 2004 2:58 pm Post subject:

Sorry that last one should have been posted under the stoopid people thread.

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ToggleHead · TWEAKGURU Joined: 03 Mar 2004 Posts: 4360 Location: Jersey

Mrs. Garcia was suffering from some frightenly scary symptoms, and had been srticken ill. Her husband decided to take her to the nearest hosptal and make his wife undergo some tests.
About one week later the couple returns to the office to hear their results. When they arrive, the doctor pleasantly sits them both down in his comfo office and says, "Mr. & Mrs. Garcia, I'm afraid I have some bad news, and some worse news. Unfortunatly, there was a mix-p in the lab with ANOTHER Mrs. Garcia. So we cannot be sure these results are accurate. The bad news is that your wife is suffering from either Alzheimer's Disease, or she has AIDS."
"WHAT?!?!," said Mr. Garcia. "Well dammit just redo the examination. We must find the appropriate results!"

"As for the WORSE news, your insurance only allows deductables for the first examination. I'm afraid you will have to foot the bill on your own for this one."

"Well our budget doesnt allow that!!! What should we do???!!!!"

"Well," said the doctor, "my suggestion is, take her to the middle of the city, if she comes home, DON'T sleep with her."
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HoseB · SirTweaksabit Joined: 03 Oct 2003 Posts: 260

3 nuns were walking down the street when they encountered a flasher.

The first two nuns had a stroke and feinted dead away.

But the third wouldn't touch it AT ALL!

JayDubya · Posted: Wed Jun 30, 2004 6:04 pm Post subject:

good jokes all!

wow, weaZ . . . those jokes about women are bad

do you know what is worse than a male CHOVANISTIC PIG!!!
a woman that won't shut up and clean the house
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[KoG]^weaZel · Posted: Wed Jun 30, 2004 6:48 pm Post subject:

bajasteve · TweakNOOB Joined: 26 Oct 2003 Posts: 25

A guy is jogging down the beach when he comes upon a paraplegic girl in a wheelchair crying. He stops and asks, “Is there something wrong, miss”, and the girl replies, “I’ve never been kissed before”. So he gives her a long, gentle kiss and continues on his way. The next day he’s running along the beach and he comes upon the same girl and she is crying again. “What’s the matter now miss?” and she replies, “I’ve never been screwed before”. So he picks her up out of the wheel chair and carries her down the beach and onto the pier. When he gets to the end of the pier, he throws her over and yells “Now your screwed”.

Steve

JayDubya · Posted: Wed Jun 30, 2004 8:36 pm Post subject:

why do women have breast?

so you have something to look at while your talkin' to 'em . . .

so you have something to look at while your talkin' to 'em . . .

so you have something to look at while your talkin' to 'em . . .

(quote from Family Guy)
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Rich Soryu · Posted: Wed Jun 30, 2004 8:59 pm Post subject:

haha, I loved that one. The lady was in shick so peter kept repeatin it beause he thinks she doesn't get it.

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ToggleHead · TWEAKGURU Joined: 03 Mar 2004 Posts: 4360 Location: Jersey

family guy rules........=]
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JayDubya · Posted: Wed Jun 30, 2004 9:46 pm Post subject:

Josh · Posted: Thu Jul 01, 2004 11:31 am Post subject:

Here is the funniest and best joke in the world...wait for it....

......ToggleHead

hehe j/k TH...j/k!
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ToggleHead · TWEAKGURU Joined: 03 Mar 2004 Posts: 4360 Location: Jersey

mmmmm hm......its'all good.......i see how it is............=P
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Josh · Posted: Thu Jul 01, 2004 12:28 pm Post subject:

Glad you liked it =]
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Yoshida · UberTweaker Joined: 24 Dec 2003 Posts: 1219

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers...like a telephone...on his hand and talking into his hand. The bar tender walks over and tells him that this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here. The guy says, "You don't understand; I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular." The bar tender says, "Prove it." The guy dials up a number and 'hands' his hand to the bar tender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible", says the bartender ... "I would never believe it!" "Yeah", said the guy, "I'm really very hi-tech. I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it! By the way, where is the men's room?" The bar tender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and doesn't come out for the longest time.

Fearing the worst given the tough neighborhood, the bar tender goes into the men's room. There is the guy... he is spread-eagle on the wall...his pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.

"Oh my god", said the bar tender,

"Did they rob you? How much did they get?"

The guy turns and says: "No, no,... I'm just waiting for a fax!"

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat"
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.
After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

Scoth · SirTweaksabit Joined: 23 Feb 2004 Posts: 283

A Bhudist walks up to a hotdog stand and says to the tender, "Make me one with everything."

ToggleHead · TWEAKGURU Joined: 03 Mar 2004 Posts: 4360 Location: Jersey

HA HA
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Josh · Posted: Thu Jul 01, 2004 2:51 pm Post subject:

hehehe.

I cant think of a joke right now...so for your own enjoyment..laugh at me!
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ToggleHead · TWEAKGURU Joined: 03 Mar 2004 Posts: 4360 Location: Jersey

i DO.....frequently

=]
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Josh · Posted: Thu Jul 01, 2004 3:45 pm Post subject:

Thought so

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