JOKES, POST THEM UP!

[Rocksteady]

End of Bill Gates



Heaven or Hell?
It comes to the end of Bill Gates long, successful life, he finds himself in the Purgatory waiting room, when God enters...

"Well, Bill," says God, "I'm confused. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell: you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you've also created some of the most unearthly frustrations known to mankind. I'm going to do something I've never done before: I'm going to let you choose where you want to go."

Bill replies, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"

God says, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly to help you make your decision."

"Okay, where should I go first?" asks Bill.

God says, "That's up to you."

Bill says, "OK, let's try Hell first."

So Bill goes to Hell. It's a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There are thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun is shining, the temperature is just right. The whole thing looks perfect, and Bill is very pleased.

"This is great!" he tells God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"

"Fine," says God, and off they go.

Heaven is a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It very nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thinks for a moment and announces his decision.

"Hmm, I think I prefer Hell." he tells God.

"Fine," says God, "As you desire."

So Bill Gates is taken to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decides to check up on Bill to see how he's doing in Hell. When God arrives in Hell, he finds Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He's being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going, Bill?" God asks.

Bill replies, his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, it's not what I expected at all, I can't believe it. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

God smiles and says, "That was the screen saver."[/b]
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♫ Josh Awards=+12 -5 =7 ~HaM=3~ Ж=3 ~Zero_Fresh=3~Burgundian Award=1~JW=4 ~ ÿ =1~Sean=1~Dene=3 ~Putale Kudos=1~GMoney=4~Sally Grommit Award=1~Bunni & Badger=2 Gold Stars ♫

[Google]

[2old2care]

Showed up in my email...I liked it.


If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

??????????? COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT


ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks.. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOT T: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!


???????? (A few days later)


ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".............
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Liquid-Cooled Q9450 and an EeePC
.

[Rocksteady]

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.

@ PRISON
@ WORK

you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell
you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle

you get three meals a day fully paid for
you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it

you get time off for good behavior
you get more work for good behavior

the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself

you can watch TV and play games
you could get fired for watching TV and playing games

you get your own toilet
you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat

they allow your family and friends to visit
you aren't even supposed to speak to your family

all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required
you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners

you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out
you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars

you must deal with sadistic wardens
they are called managers




THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE!!!!


Now get back to work. You're not getting paid to check emails.




_________________
♫ Josh Awards=+12 -5 =7 ~HaM=3~ Ж=3 ~Zero_Fresh=3~Burgundian Award=1~JW=4 ~ ÿ =1~Sean=1~Dene=3 ~Putale Kudos=1~GMoney=4~Sally Grommit Award=1~Bunni & Badger=2 Gold Stars ♫

[Rocksteady]

Some more judicial humor:

Be very careful what you ask of little old ladies!



Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't

prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting

attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to

the stand.



He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?



She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams I've known you

since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big

disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate

people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big

shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to

anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."


The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across

the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?



"She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he

was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking

problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law

practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he

cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your

wife. Yes, I know him."


The defense attorney almost died.


The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very
quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows
me, I'll throw your sorry arsses in jail."
_________________
♫ Josh Awards=+12 -5 =7 ~HaM=3~ Ж=3 ~Zero_Fresh=3~Burgundian Award=1~JW=4 ~ ÿ =1~Sean=1~Dene=3 ~Putale Kudos=1~GMoney=4~Sally Grommit Award=1~Bunni & Badger=2 Gold Stars ♫

[Rocksteady]

Brilliant 9-1-1 Calls

Dispatcher: 9-1-1. What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1. What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1. What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one.
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am. Nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1. What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1.
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the police.
_________________
♫ Josh Awards=+12 -5 =7 ~HaM=3~ Ж=3 ~Zero_Fresh=3~Burgundian Award=1~JW=4 ~ ÿ =1~Sean=1~Dene=3 ~Putale Kudos=1~GMoney=4~Sally Grommit Award=1~Bunni & Badger=2 Gold Stars ♫

[Zero_Fresh]

LIFE AFTER DEATH:
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked of one of his employees.
"Yes, sir," The employee replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine I suppose." the boss went on. "After you
left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped by to see you"

PALM SUNDAY:
It was Palm Sunday, and because of a soar throat, five year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches. The boy asked what they were for.
“People held them over Jesus’ head as he walked by.” Replied his father.
“Wouldn’t you know it!” the boy fumed “The ONE Sunday I don’t go, he shows up!”

CHILDREN’S SERMON:
One Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching the children’s sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, “What’s in here?”.
“I know!” a little boy exclaimed. “Pantyhose!”.

SUPPORT A FAMILY:
The prospective father-in-law asked, “Young man, can you support a family?”
The surprised groom-to-be replied. ”Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves.”

FIRST TIME USHERS:
A little boy, in church for the first time, watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates. When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly “Don’t pay for me daddy, I’m under five.”

PRAYERS:
The Sunday School teacher asked, “Now Johnny, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?”
“No sir,” he replied “we don’t have to, my mom is a good cook.”

CLIMB THE WALLS:
“Oh, I sure am happy to see you.” The little boy said to his grandmother on his mother’s side. ”Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us.”
The grandmother was curious. “What trick is that?” she asked.
“I heard him tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit.” The little boy answered.

THE MOOD RING:
My husband bought me a mood ring the other day. When I’m in a good mood it turns green. When I’m in a bad mood it leaves a red mark on his forehead.

THE WATER PISTOL:
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.
I was not pleased. I turned to my mom and said, “I’m surprised at you, don’t you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?”
My mom smiled and then replied, “I remember!!”

I’M WITH STUPID:
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Davie?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
BEAUTY:
Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Davie. "Giving up?"

GRANDMA'S AGE:
Little Johnny asked his grandmother how old she was.
Grandma answered, “39 and holding.”
Johnny thought for a moment and then said, “And how old would you be if you let go?”
_________________
"....Or as almost every word in a sentence; Tweak the tweaking tweakers!"

Josh Awards = 2

[2young2care]

lol nice, ZF. i showed the hippie chick next to me (im in the compy lab @ skool takin a test) the mood ring one.
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ÿ (0255)　愛

∫ [1/cabin] dcabin = ln cabin + C = houseboat

Je suis trop jeun de m'inquiéter.