JOKES, POST THEM UP!

2young2care · UberTweaker Joined: 09 Jul 2004 Posts: 1031

Where do pets come from?

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride.They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's
eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And
Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't give a s*** one way or the other.
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Zero_Fresh · Posted: Wed Mar 16, 2005 12:14 pm Post subject:

HAHAHA!! Good one 2y
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JayDubya · Posted: Wed Mar 16, 2005 4:41 pm Post subject:

ROTFLMAO. Very nice
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Rocksteady · Posted: Wed Mar 16, 2005 10:27 pm Post subject:

, made me laugh, 2y..

SOME cats are like dogs tho...Tasha is more dog-like than cat-like.. If you call her, she'll come to you, then sits and looks up at you. Oh, and she never fails to greet you at the door.. She won't let you out of her sight, and lies on the floor near you no matter where you go. (If you're ME, lol)

Just giving credit where credit is due... cat

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dene · Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 7:22 pm Post subject:

Gotta hand it to u 2y that was good!!
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Rocksteady · Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 8:42 pm Post subject:

Someone just sent me these:....

...Happy St.Patrick's Day, BTW..... Razz

Irish Short Jokes:

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan. "Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.

The doctor was puzzled, "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink."
"Don't worry about it, Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober."

"Hey Patrick, do I hear you spitting in the vase on the mantelpiece ?"
"No, Nora, but I'm getting closer all the time !"

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk !!

Mike lay dying on his bed when his wife Brigid came in to him and asked if there was anything he wanted.
Mike said "Brigid, what is that delicious smell coming from the kitchen?"
And Brigid replied "Oh Mike that is a ham I am baking ."
Mike thought, and said "Brigid, as my dying wish I would love to have some of that ham you're
cooking."
Then Brigid said "Oh Mike, I'm saving that for the wake !!"

"Did you hear that Flanagan invented an invisible deodorant ?"
"No, what good is it ?"
"Well if you use it, you vanish and no one knows where the smell is coming from !"

An IRA man shows up at the pearly gates and St. Peter comes out to greet him. St. Peter takes one look and says "I don't think you can get in here.
The IRA man says"Who wants in? You've twenty minutes to get the *#!@ out!

"Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?" asked President Franklin D. Roosevelt.
"Do we now?" came New York Mayor Al Smith's reply.

Seamus, do you understand French, I do if its spoken in Irish.

Two Irishmen had just won $5000,000 in a lottery. Having a pint in a pub Tim say to Sean, what about all them beggin letters?
Sean replies, we'll just keep sending them.

What have Irishmen and Jesus Christ got in common?
The both lived with their mother until they were 33 and neither had a job.

How do we know that Christ was Irish?
Because he was 33 still lived at home thought his mother was a virgin and she thought he was the son of God.

Paddy was rather sad after viewing the body of a dead atheist.
"There he was. All dressed up and no place to go."

Paddy was walking through a graveyard when he came across a headstone with the inscription "Here lies a politician and an honest man."
"Faith now," exclaimed Paddy, "I wonder how they got the two of them in one grave."

Seamus was getting irate and shouted upstairs to his wife," Hurry up or we'll be late."
"Oh, be quiet," replied his wife. "Haven't I been telling you for the last hour that I'll be ready in a minute?"

Two lawyers standing before an Irish judge got into a fierce argument.
At last one lawyer lost his temper and shouted, "Sir you are the biggest fool that I have set eyes on."
"Order, order," said the Irish judge. "You seem to forget that I am in the room."

Incomprehensibly, the last coach of the train on a normal route kept getting smashed up by vandals. A porter came up with an idea.
"Why don't we leave the last coach off!"

She followed her husband to the public house. "How can you come here," she said, taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, "and drink that awful stuff?"
"Now!" he cried, "And you always said I was out enjoying meself."

Why does it take five Irishmen to change a lightbulb?
One to change the bulb. Four to remark about how grand the old bulb was.

"I hear Murphy died, " said Pat. "Was he ill long?"
"No," said Mick. "He died in the best of health."

First Irish Farmer: "My cow fell down a hole and I had to shoot it."
Second Irish Farmer: "Did you shoot it in the hole?"
First Irish Farmer: " No, in the head."

O'Connell was staggering home with a small Paddy in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"
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gmoney · Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 8:42 pm Post subject:

funny funny

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Rocksteady · Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 9:53 pm Post subject:

oK, NOT THAT FUNNY, BUT iRISH. aPPROPRIATE FOR TODAY. *hICcUP* drunken

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Xal · Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2005 2:57 am Post subject:

lol.
This is a true story, I heard it on the radio on my way to work this morning.

The ministers and MPs broke into a fight last night over an argument about the new bill of XXXX (won't put all details) They beat eachother with chairs and walking sticks, some of them are currently in hospital nursing broken bones and bruses.

African politicians

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dene · Posted: Wed Mar 30, 2005 2:07 am Post subject:

READ THIS

this is this cat
this is how cat
this is to cat
this is keep cat
this is a cat
this is gay cat
this is dumbass cat
this is busy cat
this is for cat
this is fourty cat
this is seconds cat

now read the 3rd word in all the rows
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dene · Posted: Wed Mar 30, 2005 2:08 am Post subject:

READ THIS

this is this cat
this is how cat
this is to cat
this is keep cat
this is a cat
this is gay cat
this is dumbass cat
this is busy cat
this is for cat
this is fourty cat
this is seconds cat

now read the 3rd word in all the rows
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Xal · Posted: Wed Mar 30, 2005 2:19 am Post subject:

Ahh, so it worked on you then

j/k
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dene · Posted: Wed Mar 30, 2005 2:37 am Post subject:

Whoa double post sorry isp probs, Hahaha * slaps xal *
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Rocksteady · Posted: Wed Mar 30, 2005 7:48 am Post subject:

...only 20 seconds for me... Very Happy

.

Made me laugh tho,,

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Rocksteady · Posted: Wed Mar 30, 2005 9:13 am Post subject:

A couple of friends were flying to Reno for a long weekend. An hour into the trip, the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "The pilot has just informed me that we've lost an engine. There's no need for alarm, though. We have three engines left, and we'll just be an hour late."

About another hour into the flight she made another announcement. "We've lost another engine. Don't worry. We still have two more, but we'll be another hour late."

One guy turned to his friend and said, "Man, if we lose the other two engines, we'll be up here all day."
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dene · Posted: Sun Apr 03, 2005 1:42 am Post subject:

ROFL..... bahahah
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Rocksteady · Posted: Thu Apr 14, 2005 10:19 am Post subject:

A man received a parrot for
his birthday. The parrot was fully grown,
with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary.
Every other word was an expletive. Those that
weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.

The man tried hard to change the bird's attitude
and was constantly saying polite words, playing
soft music, anything he could think of to try and
set a good example. Nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back.

He shook the bird and the bird just got more
angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of
desperation, the man put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawk
and kick and scream. Then suddenly there was
quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. the man
was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and
quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto the man's
extended arm and said, "I believe I may have
offended you with my rude language and actions.
I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior.
I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."
The man was astonished at the bird's change
in attitude and was about to ask what had made
such a dramatic change when the parrot continued,

"May I ask what the chicken did?"

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Ham_fisT · Posted: Thu Apr 14, 2005 10:31 am Post subject:

OMGLMFAOROFL

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gmoney · Posted: Thu Apr 14, 2005 5:07 pm Post subject:

lmfao... nice one r/s ... ahahhaha

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and then...
i got a couple josh awards too
an' den one of those too -->... Ж award

Rocksteady · Posted: Thu Apr 14, 2005 9:05 pm Post subject:

That's a favorite,, I was ROTFL myself.. Got that one in my eMail just today.
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Rocksteady · Posted: Thu Apr 14, 2005 9:07 pm Post subject:

Subject: Pharmacist

A lady walks into a drug store in Florida and tells the pharmacist she needs
some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you
cyanide to kill your husband! That's against Florida law! I'll lose my license,
they'll throw both of us in jail, and all kinds of bad things will happen!
Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

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zhensem · Posted: Fri Apr 15, 2005 9:19 am Post subject:

ROFLMAO, that's a good 1!!!

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Rocksteady · Posted: Fri Apr 15, 2005 11:47 am Post subject:

Pain Transfer

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.

She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.

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Rocksteady · Posted: Fri Apr 15, 2005 11:51 am Post subject:

Trick Question

A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is.

"Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse."

"What kind of question?" the neighbor asks.

"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."

"That's easy," says the neighbor. "You just say, 'Of course I will'".

"Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do.'"

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Rocksteady · Posted: Fri Apr 15, 2005 12:06 pm Post subject:

Deathbed

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"

"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "now get some rest and let the poison work"

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