JOKES, POST THEM UP!

[[TN] Nathan]

Ok, I'll start.

What's the last thing to go througha bug's mind when he hits a car windshield?

His ass......
_________________
Owner & Administrator
www.Tweaknews.net
www.Pocketbookpinch.com

[Google]

[Yoshida]

Computers In Movies

Ever notice computers as depicted in movies? You computer guru's will know what I'm talking about... not sure about everyone else... Here are some things to watch for...

Word processors never display a cursor.

You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.

All monitors display inch-high letters.

High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don't have incredibly powerful text-bases command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English. Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS" (see "Fortress" or "Independence Day").

All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.

Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.

All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backwards.

People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.

A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.

Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function (see "Demolition Man" and countless others).

Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.

When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.

No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has (Aliens). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labelled.

Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three- dimensional, active animation, photo-realistic graphics capability.

Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Supercomputer.

Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face (see "Alien", "2001").

[meobius]

toothless termite walks into a bar and asks; "where is the bar tender?"

[meobius]

bad pickup line

"hey baby you want an australian kiss, it's like a french kiss but down under"

[Dakken*MCBS]

Nasty joke...


question :
how do you confuse a blind lesbian?
Answer :
Send her to a fish store.
_________________
Mobile 2500+ @ 2.390g 399 fsb.
giga ga7n400l
1024 megs pc3200 samsung ram
80g maxtor 8m
sapphire x800 pro
x-dreamer 2 case

[ToggleHead]

What has two legs and bleeds a lot?







.......half of a cat.
_________________

[Josh]

lol

Why did the blonde fall out of the tree?

She was raking leaves...


What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fsh


A man walked into a bar.................it hurt!
_________________
»4 RS«»1Ж «»1 DENE«»1 FREAKIN LAME OH«»1 MONEY MONEY«
(-)

[[KoG]^weaZel]

Stay tuned Purple Shades is coming to this Joke thread soon.............
_________________
I tweaked and it tweaked back! So I Tweaked some more!

"Barney is like the Michael Jackson of PBS." - James Tybeerious

[JonnyDizzle]

okay then i should ad something..

There was this blonde she had always been made fun of all of her life. So she deciede to get her hair color changed and buy and go on a shoping spree. So as the day goes on she decides to take a ride in her nice red convertable. So she starts out through the country and sees a big field with a whole lot of sheep in it. Well she stops and askes the Shep herder if she can guess the exact amount of sheep can she take one home? THe herder says sure , because he didnt think she could do it. So she sits down and she thinks.( extremely long process for a blonde) any way she blurted out the number 375 and he say: wow your right! so she goes and picks her sheep out and puts it in her car. The herder comes runing to the car and says if i can guess your natural hair color can i have my dog back?
_________________

[Riffz]

Why couldnt Helen Keller drive?

She was a woman
_________________
A7N8X Deluxe Rev 1.04
2100+ T-Bred @ 2.21ghz (200x11)
1.5GB OCZ 3200 2.5-3-3-7
X800XT Platinum Edition
Windows XP Pro

[Ham_fisT]

Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman, Giraffe, Lion, Camel, Lawyer, Policeman, Judge, Priest, Rabbi, Minister, all walk into a bar. "What's this," says the barman, "some kind of a joke?"
_________________
Yeah....... ok

[Ham_fisT]

Q: How does a cat commit suicide?
A: He shoots himself in the head nine times.
_________________
Yeah....... ok

[Riffz]

A bunch of guys are at a bar, and they are all pretty wasted. One guy puts an empty mug on the floor and walks up to the bartender and says "I bet you $250 I can take a piss all the way from here, into that mug, and not get a drop on the floor." The bartender takes the bet, knowing that this drunk was about to loose his money. The guy turns around, undoes his fly and pisses ALL over the bar, and turns back to the bartender who laughs and says "You just lost $250 bucks!". The drunk replies "Who cares, I bet my buddies over there $1000 that I could piss all over your bar and you would laugh".
:)
_________________
A7N8X Deluxe Rev 1.04
2100+ T-Bred @ 2.21ghz (200x11)
1.5GB OCZ 3200 2.5-3-3-7
X800XT Platinum Edition
Windows XP Pro

[[TN] Nathan]

Tehehehe.
_________________
Owner & Administrator
www.Tweaknews.net
www.Pocketbookpinch.com

[gmoney]

why dont you come over here and sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up,
gmoneyhobbit
_________________
I finally got an award=OFFICIAL ROCKSTEADY AWARD and then one time... at tweaknews dene gave me a A+++++++....
and then...
i got a couple josh awards too
an' den one of those too -->... Ж award

[[KoG]^weaZel]

Ok here it is! sit back relax with a cup of coffee and have a good read.



One Monday little Jonny was on his way to school just walking along the sidewalk as happy as could be. Then when he was about to pass a bum. The bum reaches out to him and grabs him and pulls him close and with his dying breath whispers "purple shades", into little Jonny's ear.
So once at school and in class the teacher asks her students if they learned any new words over the week-end. Little Jonny raises his hand excitedly. The teacher calls on him, he proudly stands up and and says "purple shades". The teacher rushes over to him and grabs him by the ear and hauls him off the the principal's office.
Little Jonny is sitting there in the office waiting for the principal to come in, thinking "what did I do?" The principal walks in closes the door and sits on the edge of his desk, looks at Jonny and says "I hear you are saying bad words in class. That is not aceptable behavior here at Adams Elementary School. Now Jonny what was it that you said to your teacher?" Little Jonny not thinking he did anything bad spoke right up, "purple shades". The principal rushes upto Jonny and just beats the snot out of little Jonny. Then the principal yells at Jonny that is expelled and that he can never come back.
So little Jonny walks home and as he is walking in the door his mom greets him. She says to him, "I got a call from the principal and he says that you are cursing at school and that you are expelled and that you can never go back to school. Come and sit with me and tell me what happened." Little Jonny goes into the kitchen and sits in the chair that his mother has pulled out for him. He sighs and says, "well on the way to school today this bum whispered a word in my ear and then died. And then at school the teacher asked if we learned any new words over the week-end and I said the word that the bum said to me. After I said the word the teacher ran upto me and grabbed me by my ear and hauled me off to the principals office. I told the principal the word and he beat the snot out of me and expelled me from school and told me I could never go back. And well here I am." His mom then asks "well son what is the word that you said?". Jonny looks at her scared. Then she lays on the guilt trip "well if you cant tell the woman that carried you in her body for nine months then I guess you cant tell anybody." He thinks about it for a second, then says "purple shades". His mom picks him up by his shirt collar and bends him over her knee and spanks him. She then tells him in a not so nice voice to get to his room till his father gets home.
Little Jonny's father finally gets home. After a delay to talk to his wife he heads upstairs to talk to Jonny. "Well what do you have to say to yourself young man?" Jonny's father asks as he enters the room. "I hear you have been using bad words both here and at school to the point where you get expelled! Whats going on today son?" the father asks. "Well on my way to school a bum whispered a word in my ear with his dying breath. And the teacher asked if we learned any new words over the week-end. I told her the word and she grabbed me by my ear and took me to the principals office. I told the principal the word and he beat the snot out of me and expelled me and told me I could never go back. So I came home and I told mom the word and she picked me up by my collar and bent me over her knee and spanked me and told me to get upstairs till you got home." The father replies with the typical responce, "well son what is the word that you said?" Jonny looks at him and says, "No, everyone I have told this far has hurt me. And I cant take it anymore." The father comes back with, "I was in vietnam I am sure I have heard it all and maybe have even made up a few new ones. I can take." Jonny thinks about it, after all his dad has seen and heard quite a bit. He decides its ok, "purple shades." His father punches him in the stomach and grabs him by the back of the neck and throws him out the upstairs window. And yells out after him' "go away from here and DON'T even come back!"
Little Jonny has no where to go. No where to live, to sleep. No food, no fresh clothes. He turns to prostituting himself to make money so that he can eat and have a place to live. He turns to drugs as his condition gets worse. One night while being passed out in the gutter a nun walks by and picks him up and takes him in. She cleans him up clothes him feeds him, nursing him back to health. After weeks go by and Jonny is feeling better one night at the dinner table the nun asks him what brought him here to this point in life. Jonny responds, "One day on the way to school a bum whispered a word into my ear with his dying breath. And that day at school the teacher asked if we learned any new words over the week-end. So I told her the word and she grabbed me by my ear and hauled me to the principal's office. I told him the word and he beat the snot out of me and expelled me and told me I could never go back. I went home and I told my mom the word and she picked me up by my collar and bent me over her knee and spanked me and sent me upstairs till my father got home. My father got home and I told him the word and he punched me in my stomach and grabbed me by the back of my neck and threw me out the upstairs window. He yelled out to me to go away and never come back. So there I was out on the street no where to go. I turned to prostitution to make money. I later turned to drugs and things kept getting worse till you picked me up and took me in." Of course at this point the nun's curiosity was getting the better of her. She asks, "what is the word Jonny?" Jonny looks at her in . "you expect me to say that word ever again? all it has done is cause me pain." The nun looks at him and with gentleness in her voice says, "Jonny I have devoted my life to God. I can not hurt anyone." Jonny thinks to himself, "yeah she is a nun after all." So he looks at her and braces himself and says, "purple shades." The nun bolts upright sending her chair flying backwards, hell fires rising up in her eyes. And says in a demonic voice, "GET OUT!"
Jonny is back out on the street again.This time he tries to look for a job. He finds one working on a farm. He talks to the farmer about what he is going to be doing. The farmer says that he is going to be mulching. And goes on to explain that mulching is a protective covering, usually of organic matter such as leaves, straw, or peat, placed around plants to prevent the evaporation of moisture, the freezing of roots, and growth of weeds. Well it comes time for the company drug test. Now little Jonny is in real trouble as he fails the testing. So he losses his job and is back out on the street.
Jonny is down and out again all strung out. And one night he wakes from a drunken stupor and looks up and see a sign, a holy sign! It says "Aim high! join the Air Force." So the next morning Jonny cleans himself up and goes down and joins up. He does really well here. He becomes a test pilot, he can fly planes that no one else in the world can fly. And one day he is doing a test flight out over the Pacific and his navigator asks him how he became the best test pilot in the world. Jonny thinks about it for a little while. he finally decides all the ugliness is in his past. "One day on my way to school a bum whispered a word in my ear with his dying breath. Then at school the teacher asked us if we learned any new words over the week-end. So I told her the word, she grabbed me by my ear and hauled me off to the principal's office. I told the principal the word and he beat the snot out of me and expelled me from school and told me I could never go back. I went home and told my mom the word and she picked me up by my collar and bent me over her knee and spanked me and told me to go upstairs till my father got home. When my father got home I told him the word and he punched me in the stomach and picked me up by the back of my neck and threw me out the upstairs window. He yelled out to me to go away and never come back. So there I was out on the street no where to live no money. I turned to prostitution to make money. I later turned to drugs and things just kept getting worse. Then one night when I was passed out in the gutter a nun picked me up and cleaned me up and took care of me and nursed me back to health. I told her the word and she bolted up out of her chair sending it flying, hell fire rising up in her eyes and she said in a very demonic voice "GET OUT". So there I was out on the street again. This time I tried to get a job and I did. I got work at a farm, mulching. Mulching is a protective covering, usually of organic matter such as leaves, straw, or peat, placed around plants to prevent the evaporation of moisture, the freezing of roots, and growth of weeds. Then it came time for the drug test. Well lets just say that didnt work out to well. I was down and out again. Then one night I awoke from a drunken stupor and saw a sign, a holy sign it was. It said "Aim High, join the Air Force". So the next morning I cleaned myself up and joined the Air Force. And well here we are flying this amazing aircraft." And here is the infamous line, "well what is the word?" Jonny said, "No way in hell I am doing that again!" Then the navigator says to him, "you think I am going to hurt you? You have to be kidding! I am back here I cant even reach you! And YOU are the only one that can fly this plane. What is the worst tha can happen?" Jonny realizes that he has this guys life in his hands and that if the navigator does anything that he would be hurt too. So Jonny says "purple shades." The navigator reaches forward and pulls Jonny's ejection handles. As Jonny is floating down to the water he sees the plane crash, navigator still inside.
Jonny is there floating in the ocean for days and he thinks this is it he cant take anymore and he passes out. The next thing he knows is he waking up and some smelly old man is staring him in the eye. The old man tells him, he is a turkish fisherman and that he picked Jonny out of the water. Jonny learns that he is lucky to be alive. The fisherman asks Jonny why he was floating out in the middle of the ocean. So Jonny starts, "One monday on the way to school a bum whispered a word in my ear with his dying breath. Later that day at school the teacher asked if we had learned any new words over the week-end. I told the teacher the word and she grabbed me by my ear and hauled me to the principals office. I told the principal the word and he beat the snot out of me and told me I could never go back. I went home and I told my mom the word and she picked me up by my collar and bent me over her knee and told me to go upstairs till my father got home. I told my father the word and he punched me in the stomach and grabbed me the by the back of my neck and threw me out the upstairs window. He yelled out to me to go away and never come back. I was out on the street no roof over my head, no where to go. I turned to prostitution to get money. It wasnt too long before I started doing drugs and things just kept getting worse. Then one night a nun picked me up out of the gutter and clothed me fed me and nursed me back to health. Then I told her the word, she bolt upright sending her chair flying. Hell fires rose up in her eye, fire balls shot out of her finger tips and in a very demonic voice said, "GET OUT." This time things were going to be different. I went out and got a job. The job I got was at a farm, mulching. Mulching is a is a protective covering, usually of organic matter such as leaves, straw, or peat, placed around plants to prevent the evaporation of moisture, the freezing of roots, and growth of weeds. Then came the drug test. That is when I lost the job. So I was back out on the street. I was down and out again. And one night I awoke from a drunken stupor and saw a sign, a holy sign! It said "Aim High, Join the AIr Force" The next morning I cleaned myself up and went down and joined up. I became the best test pilot that they have ever seen! I could fly planes no one else could fly. I was out over the Pacific with my navigator and I told him the word and he grabbed my ejection handles and launched me out of the plane and he crashed to his death. And I was floating out in the big ocean and I guess you saved me." The old fisherman asks Jonny the word. Jonny doesnt say anything, the fisherman at this time makes the point that he is a little old man and couldnt possibly do anything to hurt a strong young man like Jonny. Jonny thinks to himself, "thats right he is this harmless little old man and even if he did try to hurt me I could hold him off." So Jonny says, "purple shades." The fisherman wacks Jonny over the head with an oar and flips him overboard to go floating on his way again. Days go by and there Jonny is floating nothing to live for. Just as he is about to lose consciousness he drifts up on a beach. Just glad to be out of the water he passes out. When he wakes up he sees a little old man sitting watching him. The guy looks like he has been on this island for a long time. He has a long beard and very tattered clothing. As he notices that Jonny is moving he gets up and walks away. Jonny gets up and goes after him. When he catches the old man he asks him, "dont you want to know why I am here?" The old man just looked at him and then said, "when you think it is time you will tell me." Well a few months go by and one evening Jonny feels its time to tell him the story. So when Jonny is done with the telling the old man just gets up and walks away. Here again Jonny chases him and asks him, "well dont you want to know the word?". The old man looks at him and says, "when you feel it is time you will tell me." A few more months go by and Jonny has finally decided that it is time to share his secret word. He goes to the old man and says, "its time, the word is purple shades." The old man just laffs a little and walks away. Jonny gets kind of angry at this goes upto the guy and grabs him by his arm and says, "what the hell is going on? do you know something of this purple shades?" The old man smiles at Jonny and says, "The day we get rescued I will tell you the meaning of your word." Now a year goes by and the old man is on his death bed and Jonny begs him to tell the meaing of the word. The old man whispers in his ear, "when you get rescued got to New York City go to the top of the Empire State building and look due west and you will understand." With that the old man dies. A few weeks go by and Jonny is rescued, he get back to the main land and rushes to NYC and rides the elevator to the top floor and goes to the west side and looks out.He sees this gigantic penguin wearing these huge purple sunglasses. Jonny goes insane and runs down all the stairs and runs out into the street and gets hit by a bus. Jonny dies there in the street muttering "purple shades."

Q: whats the moral of this story?
A: look both ways before crossing the street.
_________________
I tweaked and it tweaked back! So I Tweaked some more!

"Barney is like the Michael Jackson of PBS." - James Tybeerious

[n3ksus]

u really think sum1 is gonna read all that?


Anyways...my joke...

THE COP THE HUSBAND and THE WIFE
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I
clocked you at 80 mile per hour, sir."
The driver says,"Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60,
perhaps your radar needs calibrating." Not looking up from her
knitting the wife says sweetly from the passenger seat, "Now don't be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his
wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar
detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, Darn!!..The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That 's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so
that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife
says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP?=!!"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does you husband always talk to you this way, ma'am?"
"Oh, heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."

[n3ksus]

Another :)

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his
towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half
tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple.
This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before
he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a
few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his Towel.
She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was
moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance
swimmer?"

"No, she said, 'I was a hooker in Memphis and I worked both SIdes of the Mississippi River."

[PolarPyro]

A guy was walking down the street when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey, miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?" "Are you nuts?" she replies and walks away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again. "Listen, sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?"

So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts... just once for $10,000?" So the woman thinks about this for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000?" She thinks a bit "OK, but just once, and not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go to the alley and she takes off... her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as the guy sees them, he jumps on them and starts caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, burying his face in them... but not biting them. Finally, the woman gets all annoyed and says, "Are you gonna bite them or what?" "Nah," he replies. "Costs too much!!"

_________________

[PolarPyro]

Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly. They take her to the local motel; the first hobbit goes into the motel room while the other waits outside. Once the door closes, the hobbit on the outside hears starnge noises through the door, "I can't do it, I can't do it, I CAN'T DO IT!"
In the morning, the second hobbit askes the first, "How did it go?" The first one answers. "It was embarrassing. I simply couldn''t do it."

The second hobbit shook his head. "Manhood problems, eh?"

"No. I couldnt get on the bed!"
_________________

[PolarPyro]

And Another!


There was this man walking on the beach and he found a bottle. He rubbed it and a genie came out and said, "I will grant you 3 wishes."
The man said, "No s***!"

Then he all of a sudden had to use the bathroom but couldn't because there was a big cork in his ass.
_________________

[PolarPyro]

Yet again..
Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party. They are talking and Bill says: "I've seen some great pictures of Divine Brown lately, I sure would like to get together with her!"
Hugh replies: "Well Bill, you know ever since our incident, her price has skyrocketed, she's charging a small fortune."

Bill: "Hugh, money's no object to me. What's her number." So, Hugh gives Bill her number and Bill sets up a date.

They meet & after they finish, Bill is lying there in ecstasy, mumbling "God...now I know why you chose the name Divine."

To which she replies: "Thank you, Bill.....and now I know how you chose the name ..... Microsoft."
_________________

[PolarPyro]

I gotsa lot!
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, ''I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ''Good morning, madam. You don't know me but I've come to....''
''Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,'' Mrs. Smith cut in.
''Really ?'' the photographer asked. ''Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies.''
''That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?'' asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
''Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.''
''Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me.''
''Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.''
''I hope we can get this over with quickly,'' gasped Mrs. Smith.
''Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.''
''Don't I know!'' Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ''This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.''
''Oh my god!!'', Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
''And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'' The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
''She was difficult ?'' asked Mrs. Smith.
''Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.''
''Four and five deep?'' asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
''Yes,'' the photographer said.
''And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.'' Mrs. Smith leaned forward.
''You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment ?''
''That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.''
''Tripod??'', Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
''Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam ? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!''
_________________

[PolarPyro]

This one is true, the employee got fired too!

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:
-"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
-"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
-"What sort of trouble?"
-"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
-"Went away?"
-"They disappeared."
-"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
-"Nothing."
-"Nothing?"
-"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
-"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
-"How do I tell?"
-"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
-"What's a sea-prompt?"
-"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
-"There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
-"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
-"What's a monitor?"
-"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
-"I don't know."
-"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
-"Yes, I think so."
-"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
-".......Yes, it is."
-"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
-"No."
-"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
-".......Okay, here it is."
-"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
-"I can't reach."
-"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
-"No."
-"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
-"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
-"Dark?"
-"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
-"Well, turn on the office light then."
-"I can't."
-"No? Why not?"
-"Because there's a power outage."
-"A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
-"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
-"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
-"Really? Is it that bad?"
-"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
-"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
-"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
_________________

[HoseB]

A drunk steps into an elevator and finds only a nun.

The drunk asks, "Hey lady, can I smell your pussy"?

Nun replies, "Absolutely not!"

Drunk says, "Hmmm, must be your feet."